Break free

Like a butterfly trying to set free from her cocoon, I’m patiently waiting for the day I can finally take matters into my own hands.

I am disappointed, broken but still functioning. I’m slowly turning into a robot. Working fine physically but little by little, I’m starting to lose my emotions. I don’t feel pain, remorse, happiness, and love as much as I did before. My insides are slowly turning into metal, just functioning mechanically.

I’m sick and tired of living like this everyday. I just want to break free, fly and soar as high as I want to be, in a place I would fit in. I’d like to see a happier, and better version of myself.

I’ve been living a lie most days of my life. I just want to be genuinely happy. It hurts a lot today, but maybe someday, I’d find the path of gold at the end of my rainbow. Someday…someday…

Pause: Look around you

I was on another afternoon stroll. This time I was with my cousin and two other kids. I love biking in the afternoon to take some time off work, and to catch up with reality.

I usually go to this quiet, serene area in our town. It has been a jogging spot in the morning which turns into a rice or corn drying area at noon. It has become a known route for runners, and bikers.

Most of the time,  I take my camera with me because I love watching the sunset from that part of our town. Plus I’ve always wanted to take a photo of the birds flying around that area during sunset. Provincial life? Totally!

The little boy who went with us that afternoon said that the place was nice as it was his first time to stop and appreciate the area. Most of the time, he just passes by and he never, even once took a look. He just pedals his way through.

His statement gave me a pause. It made me realize that yeah, this life is pretty amazing if we just stop worrying, and start appreciating. Little things, when grouped together becomes big things.

There’s this song from our church which goes “count your blessings name them one by one, count your blessings see what God has done.” And true enough, if we count our many blessings, we will see how lucky we are. We just have to learn how to be grateful, even as tiny as to waking up in the morning.

Always take a time, as little as 5mins in a day, and try to reflect. Try to say a little prayer, to God or to the stars even and see how the universe would turn differently. This time, better.

 

Rewind: The Idea of You

It’s 2AM and my thoughts are full of you… again! I was driving back to Manila earlier, it was silent, I was sleepy when it suddenly hit me.

I realized that I was courageous but not courageous enough to say it directly to your face. I was wise yet I was stupid to confront you with how I felt. I blew it all off.

 If I had the chance to go back in time, I would rewind my life to the point where I was certain. Certain of the things, happening around me, which was you. I was certain that there was something going on between us. I was certain but suddenly it all faded. I wasn’t sure anymore.

If I only had the chance to go back to last year’s Christmas, I would. Then I could do things differently. I could have been a better person and we both could have saved our blooming friendship.

But life wasn’t created that way. If living was as easy as that then we all wouldn’t have learned. We may not be able to move forward because we all could have rewind-ed. We won’t be able to progress and see that there is a far better picture for us if we just hit play and go on with our lives.

There is no rewind in life for if there was, we would all be living in the past. There would be no present nor future. If we keep on rewinding to try and correct every little mistake we had made then there’s no sense of living at all.  We do not dwell and live in the past. Let us do what we can do today. What’s done is done but there are far more better things that can be done. Stop living in the past, stop worrying about tomorrow, start living today.

The Tribulation

I cannot believe that 5 years had already passed and here I am, scrolling through facebook, looking pass through the graduation posts of my batchmates, and wondering about the what ifs of my life.

What if I took a different path? What if I did not choose Physical Therapy? Where would I be standing right now? Although I can’t see myself being in any other place or situation other than where I am standing today.

What if I my mom let me shift to another course 3 yrs ago? I told her I wanted to become a veterinarian. She brushed the idea off and told me to finish the degree I have started. It was a long way. It was hard and I’m still not finished.

What if I didn’t run as the Honored Queen of our Bethel, would everything still be the same? Would I be better? What if I didn’t take the entrance exam in UERM five years ago? Where would my place be?

We don’t really know what is written on our destiny. We only know that we can make changes on what we know today. We can only plan for the future based on the current situation we are in. We may be tested on our faith, in God, and in our self. The most difficult times are the times where we must stay strong and focused to achieve the goal we have. We may have not reached the deadline but it is not a reason to give up. All the same, we are almost there. Our life just needed a little detour as our future needed re-construction.

We may not see it now, but in tomorrow we would realize what today has in store for us. We just have to keep on believing in ourselves, and know that one day, we will also see the view from the top. Success is more than just a piece of paper. Success is more than just a grade. Success is what we will become in the future. We may not understand these things today but someday, it will make sense because “the flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and beautiful of all.”

Prisoner Zero has Escaped

I didn’t notice you at first because I was so focused on what’s in plain sight. Then I saw you, at the corner of my eye, I saw you. It struck me and that’s when you started crossing my mind. Seldom and suddenly all the time. I hate you! How could you do that in such short amount of time. I fucking hate you for taking me away from my goal but it wasn’t your fault. This is all on me.

I like you. I FUCKING LIKE YOU. There I said it. Now, what are you going to do?

Titanic

I don’t even know what to do with this life anymore. I don’t have the urge, the drive, or the motivation to finish what I have started. I have already spent four freakin years in this place and instead of feeling a little bit of freedom, I feel stuck.

I don’t think Physical Therapy is really for me. I ask myself everyday for the past few weeks. Why Physical Therapy? I always end up with the answer why not?

It’s not enough. I feel like taking this five-year course is such a burden. We don’t even get a total summer break!!! I just feel so tired. I used to be this happy, cheery, optimistic person and suddenly, all of those just went of in a blink of an eye.

I don’t know what happened but what I have found out was that one month was all it took to change the person I was back then to the sad, unfocused and lost person I am now. I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to become everything. I want to be good at everything but I don’t want to become a Physical Therapist. I feel like I have wasted four years of my life learning things I never wanted to practice.

I do hope I change my mind once I get into internship. All these fvckin facebook posts makes me even more depressed. I feel like I am such a failure. I don’t even have anyone to talk to about this. Anyway, I still have to study for a final exam tomorrow.