It’s 2AM and my thoughts are full of you… again! I was driving back to Manila earlier, it was silent, I was sleepy when it suddenly hit me.
I realized that I was courageous but not courageous enough to say it directly to your face. I was wise yet I was stupid to confront you with how I felt. I blew it all off.
If I had the chance to go back in time, I would rewind my life to the point where I was certain. Certain of the things, happening around me, which was you. I was certain that there was something going on between us. I was certain but suddenly it all faded. I wasn’t sure anymore.
If I only had the chance to go back to last year’s Christmas, I would. Then I could do things differently. I could have been a better person and we both could have saved our blooming friendship.
But life wasn’t created that way. If living was as easy as that then we all wouldn’t have learned. We may not be able to move forward because we all could have rewind-ed. We won’t be able to progress and see that there is a far better picture for us if we just hit play and go on with our lives.
There is no rewind in life for if there was, we would all be living in the past. There would be no present nor future. If we keep on rewinding to try and correct every little mistake we had made then there’s no sense of living at all. We do not dwell and live in the past. Let us do what we can do today. What’s done is done but there are far more better things that can be done. Stop living in the past, stop worrying about tomorrow, start living today.
I cannot believe that 5 years had already passed and here I am, scrolling through facebook, looking pass through the graduation posts of my batchmates, and wondering about the what ifs of my life.
What if I took a different path? What if I did not choose Physical Therapy? Where would I be standing right now? Although I can’t see myself being in any other place or situation other than where I am standing today.
What if I my mom let me shift to another course 3 yrs ago? I told her I wanted to become a veterinarian. She brushed the idea off and told me to finish the degree I have started. It was a long way. It was hard and I’m still not finished.
What if I didn’t run as the Honored Queen of our Bethel, would everything still be the same? Would I be better? What if I didn’t take the entrance exam in UERM five years ago? Where would my place be?
We don’t really know what is written on our destiny. We only know that we can make changes on what we know today. We can only plan for the future based on the current situation we are in. We may be tested on our faith, in God, and in our self. The most difficult times are the times where we must stay strong and focused to achieve the goal we have. We may have not reached the deadline but it is not a reason to give up. All the same, we are almost there. Our life just needed a little detour as our future needed re-construction.
We may not see it now, but in tomorrow we would realize what today has in store for us. We just have to keep on believing in ourselves, and know that one day, we will also see the view from the top. Success is more than just a piece of paper. Success is more than just a grade. Success is what we will become in the future. We may not understand these things today but someday, it will make sense because “the flower that blooms in adversity is the rarest and beautiful of all.”
I didn’t notice you at first because I was so focused on what’s in plain sight. Then I saw you, at the corner of my eye, I saw you. It struck me and that’s when you started crossing my mind. Seldom and suddenly all the time. I hate you! How could you do that in such short amount of time. I fucking hate you for taking me away from my goal but it wasn’t your fault. This is all on me.
I like you. I FUCKING LIKE YOU. There I said it. Now, what are you going to do?
I don’t even know what to do with this life anymore. I don’t have the urge, the drive, or the motivation to finish what I have started. I have already spent four freakin years in this place and instead of feeling a little bit of freedom, I feel stuck.
I don’t think Physical Therapy is really for me. I ask myself everyday for the past few weeks. Why Physical Therapy? I always end up with the answer why not?
It’s not enough. I feel like taking this five-year course is such a burden. We don’t even get a total summer break!!! I just feel so tired. I used to be this happy, cheery, optimistic person and suddenly, all of those just went of in a blink of an eye.
I don’t know what happened but what I have found out was that one month was all it took to change the person I was back then to the sad, unfocused and lost person I am now. I don’t know what I’m doing. I want to become everything. I want to be good at everything but I don’t want to become a Physical Therapist. I feel like I have wasted four years of my life learning things I never wanted to practice.
I do hope I change my mind once I get into internship. All these fvckin facebook posts makes me even more depressed. I feel like I am such a failure. I don’t even have anyone to talk to about this. Anyway, I still have to study for a final exam tomorrow.